Again since yesterday I’ve been observing the tendency of my mind to find something wrong, in any given moment or situation.
It’s really interesting how this inner impulse can start up at any moment, looking to find something wrong.
A good way to describe it is in terms of complaining. Have you ever listened to someone incessantly complaining? Where they go on and on talking about something they don’t like. Maybe someone behaved in a way they didn’t agree with, or maybe they are even just complaining about the weather!
I’ve noticed that my mind likes to do this. It likes to find things to complain about, a lot!
Once it starts its extremely easy to get sucked into believing the stories that my mind is telling me. Whether they’re true or not is largely irrelevant. In fact, I’d say that most of the time the stories are factually very incorrect. My mind really is just looking for something to complain about.
After getting sucked into believing the negativity, the negative emotion begins to build in my body. I start to feel more stressed, anxious and angry. I feel more tense. My mind becomes more and more cloudy.
In my work, I begin making more and more mistakes. I create circumstances that require more of my time to remedy. Initially the added anger and stress in my system can make it look like I’m making progress more quickly, but that soon gives way when I realise I’ve been making mistakes, and not finding the optimum solution.
Once this negativity kicks in, my mind becomes very set on trying to get to a different place to where I am right now.
It tells me negative stories about how it’s the situation I’m in that’s making me unhappy. The lie is that it’s not the situation that’s making me unhappy, but rather the negative stories I’m running in my mind.
This idea that it’s the situation I’m in that’s the problem – maybe work, or certain relationships, can convince me, and then I find myself wasting valuable time and energy trying to change the situation I’m in.
But the point is that it all starts with a thought that there’s something wrong – anything wrong. My mind doesn’t care what that something is, anything will do – it just needs to find something wrong. Once it finds one thing, I start to feel more and more negative energy inside, and this drives my mind to find more and more things that are wrong.
The result of all of this is that I end up feeling extremely depressed. I end up feeling lost in negative emotion and thought, and not knowing where it’s all gone wrong. I find myself thinking: “I’m sure I felt great last week. How come I’m feeling so low and depressed right now?”
It can be extremely disorientating.
Moving away from this negativity – forever!
This is a big step for me to become so aware of how the negativity takes over and controls my mind.
The most encouraging thing about where I am now is that I’m becoming increasingly aware of the initial tendency to find something wrong, i.e. before it turns into a story in my mind.
That’s really promising, because it appears I’ve found the root of something which has caused me an incredible amount of pain and suffering over the years.
So at the moment it seems possible for me to pull out the negativity by the root! Throughout the day, I’m noticing the negativity arise, and when I see it, I’m recognising: oh, there it is again! Then the feeling of negativity within me subsides.
Of course, it then tries to arise again and again, but it doesn’t matter – each time it arises I’m fooled by it less and less.
This is therefore a really exciting time for me. It’s a strange paradox – typical of a true inner spiritual journey! I’m feeling lots of negativity, but at the same time I’m feeling really excited, as I’m not owned by that negativity anymore!
So today I have another full days work to carry out on the computer. My plan is this – to not let negativity take over my mind. I know it’s going to arise throughout the day, but I also now know that I can observe it arising and therefore watch it subside – pulling it out from the root!
Do you ever observe negativity arising within you? How does it happen for you? I’d be really interested to find out! Please leave a comment if you experience negativity arising within you too.