The Panic before the Quiet

There is an ever increasing amount of stillness popping up in various situations in my life now. It’s really beginning to emerge at work, which is a mixture of fear and freedom for me at the moment.

If you’re used to reading this blog, or have experienced a degree of awakening yourself, the source of the freedom is obvious. The constant chatter in my head is disappearing in moments, leaving an open, empty space.

In this space I’m finding that there’s no fear. There’s also a deep surrender to being fully seen by the person I’m interacting with. There’s a deep connection. I heard Eckhart Tolle say that it is from this space that we can perceive our oneness. I can definately feel a deep sense of connection with others when the voice in my head stops like this.

Along with the deep stillness that’s happening in my interactions with other people now, I’m also becoming acutely aware of the ego that’s arising within this space.

I guess you could describe the feeling as a sort of fear, or terror. Please don’t let this put you off, because I’ve found that the more presence I feel, the easier it is to be with fear and terror without it really affecting me that much. I suppose the feeling could be described as a type of panic.

Its taking me a lot of presence to be with this feeling of panic  without running off and getting caught in my mind again. In fact, a lot of the time I’m failing to do that!

But sometimes, the panic is arising, and I’m able to see that it’s just the ego arising. That is, I’m witnessing the whole ego. So I see it as being there, but I’m not getting overtaken by it. There’s a growing willingness to surrender and let go of the panic, knowing that the stillness on the other side is a safe place to be, that nothing bad is going to happen if I let go into that space. In fact, for the most part people react to me better when I’m in that space. I think it might be because the feel safe, as they sense it’s ok to start to let their guard down, and they’re not going to be judged for it.

I’ve come a long, long way. My awakening journey started in earnest back in 2007, 10 years ago. I had some pretty full on experiences of seeing the the oneness of all life, of the total disappearance of my ego. It was amazing. But at the same time I had lots of fear in everyday situations, with friends, at work.

The past 10 years have seen my mind and body transformed, so it’s becoming more possible to go about my normal daily life with that sense of peace and presence accompanying me.

I’m not saying that there is no longer any fear, there is still lots of it. But I don’t really think that matters. The important thing is that this open space of presence is appearing more and more and becoming the baseline for an increasing number of my interactions with others.

How exciting!

2017-05-12T07:40:35+00:00 May 12th, 2017|My Story, Spirituality|

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